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I fucking hate being bipolar.

FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.

I wish I never met you.... You continue to hurt me. You act like a damn child. You care about no one but yourself... so why do I care so much about you? Why can I not get you off my mind. I want you to feel the way I do right now. I feel helpless. I'm sitting here begging for you to talk to me.. to give me another chance when you're the one that keeps fucking up.


But then again.. I am a fucked up person..
I'd rather be with someone that acts like they care about me 25% of the time than be alone. I'm terrified of dealing with life alone. I don't want to build a connection with someone else.

I don't know if I love you.. or if I just feel like I need to love you.

What is love anyway? You made me feel loved at some point ...but of course that feeling went away as quickly as it came. I guess I'll let you drag me along until I find a backbone.

"Plagiarism is the highest form of flattery.
Why would you ever want to be like me?
We are all someone else's terrible idea."

I'm extremely annoyed and upset at the moment.
I don't know what I want to do about anything or what I should do.



My brother just deployed and he didn't even tell me goodbye.
I don't know how I'm suppose to react to that. I keep trying to add him on myspace but he denies my friend request.
Sometimes I regret introducing Brandi and him. Maybe then none of this would happen.


My boyfriend frustrates me most of the time.
Well honestly half of the time.
He's a really good guy and I do have a lot of feelings for him,
I just feel like we're going too fast.
We haven't even had our one month and we are already saying I love you to each other.
I think a break would be the best thing for us at the moment.

My mom's boyfriend confuses the shit out of me.
One minute he likes me the other he doesn't.
He takes steroids so I have no idea what kind of mood he is

I'm tired of this town and the people. No one here is true to their selves. It's quite amusing to see how quickly people change. I've heard the line, "Oh we'll never change, we'll be best friends forever." Hah, I will be honest I've said this before. But the sad thing is I'm always the only one that gives two shits about any of those people. I do anything and everything for anyone who needs it. Just hurts to know, that doesn't matter anymore. Only thing that matters is if you smoke, or drink.  I'm not going to be twenty or twenty four in my parent's garage. Sorry I have a life I'm planning out. Believe me I have nothing wrong with anyone who smokes or drinks, It just gets old after awhile.  The high and the buzz isn't really there for me anymore. Honestly getting high or drunk just makes me see how dumb I look. We'll see what happens in the future.

I hate the feeling of being on a roller coaster. Everything seems to go perfect, then one single move and it's gone. I hate getting into new things because change scares me. It's not really the change process it's the process of meeting new people. My whole life I have never been good enough for anyone. My nose was too big or I didn't have the right body size/hair color. I had to start a new school the other day. My first public high school. I had no idea what was in store for me. I personally have problems. For example. I have bad communication problems. I never know what to say in a group of people, and I'm extremely shy. But one on one I can easily talk? Like every teenage girl or any female I hate how I look. My whole life I had people tell me I was ugly. So it just stuck to me. Every time someone would tell me I was pretty they just wanted something. Boys only wanted me for sex, and girls wanted me to do something for them. So that's clearly why I always say no I'm not to people who constantly say I'm beautiful or cute. I've always wanted to have a cute relationship with a guy that I could see basically everyday. Every time I get that, I freak out and end it as soon as possible. I'm a needy person, when it comes to someone talking to me. I HAVE to have someone talking to me at all points of the day. Or I feel like I did something wrong, or they hate me. People have said I'm obsessive before. But honestly if you talk to someone everyday all day, you'll going to grow a connection with that person and want to talk to them all day every day. Whoever says differ is lying. Maybe it's just me.  I have a terrible thing with "best friends". I do everything I possibly can for someone, then the one second I can't do something they bail on me, and start telling everyone EVERYTHING i've told that person. It's hard for me to trust people, but I always seem to let people in.